Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
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So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
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If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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