Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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