take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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