im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
