I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
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I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
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Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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