Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
