There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
