I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
