I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Your penis caused this!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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