I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
