dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
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