Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
