I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
