Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
