Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
