I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I supernannyed him into submission
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
