You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
