Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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