Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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