I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
