Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
