I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
