it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
operation harelip BJ is a go
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
