Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
