I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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