i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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