Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
