she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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