I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
