I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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