Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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