It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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