Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
