I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
