well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
