I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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