If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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