she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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