I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
