can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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