the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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