love makes seman taste better
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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