now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
