I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
