If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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