You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
