May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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