Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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