Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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