new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I am available for nakedness
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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