I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Randomize
