The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
