Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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