No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
