and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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