i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
