im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
