id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
