Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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